I miss my dad.

I recently found out my dad passed away. It's pretty surreal, ya know? I still think I can drive 20 minutes down the road to knock on his door and say hi. Guess that isn't an option anymore.

I haven't talked to him in almost a year. We've always butted heads (I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but then, neither was he), so I didn't go to visit much. Now I wish I would have gone every day. It's not that he was a bad guy. On the contrary. He was great. One a a kind, if you will. But, when he and my mom divorced, I decided to take mom's side in leiu of having a paternal figure. Now, I'm wishing I would have made a different decision.

I'm feeling rather guilty right now, and don't know how to deal with it. Like most people who've had someone in their life pass, I wish I could sit down with him just once...just once more...and talk. Just talk. I don't care about what went wrong or who did what. I just want to talk to my dad, because there isn't anyone who can replace the the one man who gave me life.

I don't like to admit it, but I miss him. I miss him every day. There isn't a day that's passed since the last time I saw him that I haven't thought about him at least once.

I should have gone to see him more. I should've made more of an effort. I wish the last time I stopped by he would've answered the door. Maybe that would've made a difference. Maybe I would have realized he was sick. Maybe I could have gotten him help. Maybe he'd still be here, and I wouldn't be writing this stupid fucking blog.

I miss my dad. And I'm very, very sad.